Sunday, December 16, 2018

Losing Someone Special

I know there's practically no chance of you reading this post, so let's just say that I'm journaling because I want to make myself feel better.

This year, I got to know you and then I lost you.
This year, I thought I found the perfect person.
This year, I thought I would drown in misery when we stopped talking.
This year, I realized that past mistakes can affect the future more than I'd ever imagined.

I went to a park yesterday. It was snowing heavily. I wanted to go to a bench where I used to sit in the spring when I wrote you every morning. I saw it, I even photographed it, and I considered sending you the picture, but just like in other past relationships, I know you might not even care about my feelings or how it felt when I looked at that bench. So empty, so drained of happiness, so drained of you.

I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone. I wish you'd know just how much you meant to me and how much you still do. It's so hard to give up hope after so many months of talking to you, of being close to you, of knowing you. Soon, it will be a year since we spoke for the first time, and I feel so sad that we don't do it anymore.

I'm trying to find things that give me pleasure so that I stop focusing on the pain. It's not a hedonistic approach. I'm probably trying to tell just what purpose I have in this life, because right now... it sure feels as if I have none. I work all the time as I always did, and I've managed to stay on top of everything in spite of the moments where I just stop, look at a fixed point, and think of you. It's like I can't get you out of my head and out of my soul, and it hurts so bad that I can't rid myself of you.

I know that time heals everything and I'm sure that I'll feel better after a while, but I still can't accept that I've lost the most amazing person I know. As much as I know I shouldn't, I desperately want to know how you've been and if you're well - and I don't even want to be in contact with you all the time, just... know if you're okay once in a while.

I care more about you than I care about myself, that's what's making it so hard for me to recover.

I'll always carry you with me, P. Always.

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